Remain Calm: All Is Well!
Well, maybe not so much
Lately I've been feeling like Kevin Bacon during the homecoming parade in ANIMAL HOUSE, only a little less optimistic.
It’s a really trying time in our world right now, to say the least, and going about the day as usual isn’t easy. We’re paying bills and scheduling dentist appointments and walking the dog. Meanwhile Tr*mp is minutes away from starting WWIII for no clear reason, posting about how proud he is of the new White House flagpoles, and calling Americans “scum” while bringing back asbestos. What a time to be alive.
My way of coping with this surreal daily existence is heavy duty compartmentalizing. I open my NYT app and squint my way past the horrific headlines until I click on my little word games where it’s safe. Help me, Connections, you’re my only hope.
I’ve also cut way back on my social media usage, namely Threads. Not only is it rife with alarmists and bad information, there’s a decided lack of humor on that app. At least Twitter in the non-Nazi days was funny. There’s also rampant plagiarism on Threads and nobody seems to mind. When I called out a large account for ripping off one of my posts, word for word, a burlesque performer/lawyer from Vegas replied to me that everything on the internet is up for grabs and I should get over myself thinking that I own what I write. Huh? What? How would you like it if I copied your little striptease, Gypsy Rose Lee? is what I would have said if I felt secure enough to put on pasties and a garter belt.
I know it’s not entirely healthy to keep your head down and ignore the world, but it’s also not healthy to ingest non-stop news. It’s like we’re all in a diner and the only choices on the menu are a Heart Attack Burger or a Slow and Painful Death Burrito. (Feel free to copy and paste that on Threads.) I don’t know what the right balance is for me and I don’t know that I ever will.
But the thing about trying to “remain calm all is well” is that the stress is still there, lying in wait. The anger and the frustration and the urge to hit something gelatinous and orange are just under the surface. And sometimes it doesn’t take a lot to bring it out. For example, the other day I met two friends at a restaurant in downtown Austin. I got there early and watched middle-aged men with wedding rings stare at every 20-something woman in shorts. I also saw to my horror that banana clips are back. When does this madness end?!?
Once my friends arrived, we went up to the counter to order our $18 sandwiches. The 25-year-old woman behind the register rang me up, swung the monitor around so I could leave a $5 tip for what I don’t know, and then handed me my drink cup and said, “This is for your ice tea, hon.”
That’s right. She f-cking “hon’ed” me.
Now I know there’s been a lot of discussion over the years about being called “sweetie” or “hon” by cashiers and servers, and that most of the time the people doing it mean no harm, but for the love of god. NO. NO NO NO NO. Say “This is for your ice tea, bitch” and I’d take it better. “Enjoy your drink, shitbag.” Fine. But to me, “hon” is completely condescending when it comes from a woman half your age. (Condescending means “talking down to.”)
To add insult to injury, she didn’t even have a Texan or Southern accent, which would have perhaps justified it some. “Hon” in a midwestern voice is just wrong. But the good news is that I reacted well. I grabbed the proffered drink cup, and said in a voice that would freeze lava, “Thank you, HON.” My “hon” wasn’t short for “honey.” It was short for “I’m a grownass woman, so leave me alone, asshole.”
Note: My sandwich that arrived 30 minutes after my friends’ lunches arrived was good.
Of course my reaction to her innocuous word was insane. And if I didn’t have so much angst and fear and worry bubbling around in my Compartment of Bad Things, I never would have replied in that way. Nor would I have searched for the restaurant’s email once I got home with plans to Karen the shit out of her. (I didn’t. I stared at the Kate Gosselin Halloween wig on my bookshelf and came to my senses.)
All of this is a just long way of saying that perhaps we all need to give each other a little grace right now because emotions, while not always visible, are running high. If I’m just one “hon” away from losing it on a sandwich clerk, I’m sure many others are, too. I truly believe that we’ll get through all of this shit and make it to the other side, but it won’t be easy and it won’t happen soon.
Take care of yourself and others. And know that if you didn’t care, if you weren’t a good person, all actually would be well right now.
Thanks for reading!
—Wendi
OTHER THINGS:
‼️HUMOR WRITING CLASS! I plan on teaching a four-week class on writing humor essays and short form satire this fall. Please send me an email at wendi@wendiaarons.com and let me know if you’re interested. I’ll be getting it all organized to promote soon, but I’d love to get your info now. ‼️
Well bless your heart, Hon! You cheered my day right up. Thank you too much.
I feel every word of this. (And Wyna Liu et al will definitely go down in history as heroes of this moment.)