Here Comes the Pain Again

Revised Song Titles for Gen X

In the early 1990’s, I worked for a media buying company on Sunset Blvd. in Los Angeles. I was a “hard-working recent college grad” hired to assist two grizzly media veterans, who I now realize were probably in their early 40’s. They made me cry every day, and not for reasons that Gen Z now cries on the job, like someone didn’t compliment their crop sweater. Those ladies were mean.

But soon after I started the job, HR pulled all of the new hires into a conference room to tell us about something called a 401(k).

“Just take a little money from each paycheck and put it into this fund, and by the time you retire, it’ll be in the millions!”

Considering that I was making $17,400 a year at this job, I laughed at the thought of having one nickel to spare, and kindly declined the 401(k) plan. Now, many, many years later, I realize that if I’d started putting a few dollars a month into a 401(k) back then, today it’d be worth

— the same as when I started. Are we great yet?

It’s fun to have the same knowledge of the stock market that the President does considering that my knowledge is 100% from the movie Trading Places.

Merry New Year!

We’re all Louis Winthorpe III now

But before we all climb onto a ledge, I thought I’d share some humor today. I wrote this with my brilliant and hilarious friend, comic and writer Laura House. Some of you may remember her from MTV’s Austin Stories, some from her stand-up, and some from the many TV shows she’s written. Give her Substack Too Much and Never Enough a follow, will you?

Presenting:

It’s Raining Men(opause): Revised Song TitIes for Gen X Women

1. HotFlash (What a Feeling) 

2. I Would Dye My Hair 4U

3. Don’t You (Forget Why You Came in Here) 

4. I Wear My +3.75 Readers at Night 

5. Hit Me With Your Best Shingles Shot

6. Bette Davis Thighs

7. Here I Go to Costco Again 

8. The Reflux

9. That’s What Meds are For

10. I Want to Know What Sleep Is

11. Dry Eye of the Tiger 

12. Hiploose

13. All Night Long (9:15pm)

14. Livin’ on a Prayer Because I Don’t Have Health Insurance

15. Every Breath You Take (May Hurt)

16. Hairy Like the Wolf

17. Pour Some Splenda on Me

18. Don’t Stop A’peein’

19. Girls Just Wanna Have Tums

20. We Got the Heat

21. Burning Down the Sheets

22. Every Little Thing She Does is Manic 

23. Don’t Give a Damn About My Bad Palpitation 

24. Holding out for a (Coke) Zero 

25. Here Comes the Pain Again 

26. Backache in Black

27. Everybody Wants to Rule Women’s Bodies 

28. Hello, Is it Keys You’re Looking For

29. Tears for Midlife Fears 

30. It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I’m on Lexapro)

Hang in there, everyone. If worse comes to worst, we can always sell off our Columbia Records collections on eBay. The one you bought for a penny.

Thanks for reading!

—Wendi

Me, crashing the Mar-A-Lago Christmas party this year