YOU’RE MIDDLE AGED! QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR CHANGING BODY
An Update On The Puberty Pamphlet by Wendi Aarons and Kara Kinney Cartwright
What is Middle-Age?
Middle age is the time of life when your body changes and becomes more like a Golden Girl.
When Does Middle-Age Start?
It is normal for changes to start as early as 35 or as late as 60 if you are a sexy vampire who will live to be 120. Middle age starts when your brain sends signals to certain parts of your body to just give up already and prepare for your sad, slow march toward dinner at 4 p.m., then death. Which may be the same thing if you live in the Florida Panhandle. The signals your brain sends to your body are called “hormones” and they are hella confused.
What Changes Occur During Middle Age?
You grow shorter and gain weight. This is often referred to as “The Danny DeVito Effect.”
Your hips may get wider or, in medical terms, you will suddenly have “more cushion for the pushin’.”
Your hair begins to turn grey. Like, ALL of your hair. ALL of it. Awwww, yeah, you know what we mean, Silver Fox. Note: Miss Clairol is not recommended below the neckline.
You make a major leap in maturity and transition from “shy people pleaser” or “helpful nice woman” to “the crankass who’s no longer taking your shit.”
How Will My Breasts Change?
Your breasts may begin to sag. One breast may even sag lower than the other. Don’t worry, this is normal, and it is referred to by experts and lingerie designers as the “granite boulder in a tube sock experience.” You may want to start wearing an “underwire” or “push up” bra. Or one of those weird bras they sell on Instagram via the ads you can’t escape no matter how hard you try. These weird bras are featured in the videos of smiling women cramming their back fat into a piece of fabric from another country.
When bra shopping in the real world, finding the right size can be frustrating and embarrassing, but help is available. Look for a shop where the saleswomen are much older than you, and find any who have European accents. Do vatever zey say.
Will Middle Age Affect My Skin?
In middle age, acne is caused by hormones. The skin produces oil in over-lubricated desperation just before going completely limp. Don’t feel bad, it happens to everyone except models, movie stars and your neighborhood rival, that bitch Pamela. However, even though acne is unavoidable, it is never nice to call a middle-aged woman “Pizza Face,” especially if her hearing is excellent.
You may also notice fine lines, wrinkles, age spots, and whatever the other decrepit signs of aging are that make you look like a capri-pants wearing featured extra on “The Walking Dead.” If you are embarrassed by these changes, you can purchase “miracle creams” from 20-something women in lab coats who look like slutty doctors. Miracle creams are expensive because they have been blessed by both Jesus and giant cosmetic corporations. They are effective, in your imagination.
When Will I Begin to Grow Facial Hair?
You may have noticed fine hairs growing on your upper lip and chin. This “peach fuzz” is normal. Later, this hair will become more noticeable. We call this “a full luxurious beard.” Fortunately, the lumberjack look is in style right now. Mostly with 25-year-old bartenders named “Chadster,” but that isn’t important. Just be friendly to any Chadsters you meet and ask what products they recommend for beard maintenance.
However, if you’d rather not look like a male urban hipster, you might choose to remove this new hair, by plucking, waxing, shaving, threading, lasering, or sandblasting. When you are finished, enjoy the smooth skin for upwards of 20 minutes before the hair grows back. Note: Some middle-aged women ask a trusted friend to help with their hair removal, if they should ever fall into a coma. This is called the End of Life Chin Hair Directive. It is legally binding.
Why Do They Call It “Middle Age”?
You may notice that your lower abdomen or “middle” becomes softer and more pronounced than it used to be now that you are an oldie. You might even think you look pregnant. That is not necessarily a desirable lewk to own if you also have wrinkles and grey hair, so be prepared to be asked if you’re a surrogate carrying your own grandchild. If your new tummy bothers you, you can try wearing “Spanx,” “shapewear” or an “XXXL Looney Toons t-shirt featuring Daffy Duck.” Or you can just suck it in until you pass out on a deck chair on your next cruise.
How Often Should I Change My Poise Pad?
You may notice that your bladder now begins to leak when you cough or sneeze. Congratulations! This means that you drank too many Diet Cokes and did not do enough Kegels after having a baby, you lazy loose-vagined moron. To avoid the embarrassment of leaks, you can wear something in your underpants called a Poise Pad. Check your inbox because they most likely emailed you a coupon on your 40th birthday. Change your pad whenever you have an hour of privacy and ample elbow room. You will need this time and space because, most likely, you will be taking the pad in and out of the hole in your Spanx, you sexy beast.
What is Menopause?
Menopause is the time in a woman’s life when her periods (menstruation) eventually stop and the body goes through changes so that she can no longer become pregnant. Once this happens, the woman will immediately set a daily DVR timer for Judge Judy and apply for a Talbot’s credit card.
Does Middle Age Cause Discomfort?
Middle age is painless unless you are listening to popular music. Popular music causes horrible headaches in those over the age of 40. Middle aged people should never enter an Abercrombie & Fitch store because their sound systems are powerful. Popular music may also spur an overwhelming urge in you to lecture young people about the glory days when “music was actually good and not like this mumble rap shit that couldn’t even find a damn melody if held at gunpoint.” You may say, “That’s not true, I love popular music! I jam to it whenever I’m in the school carpool line!” but you are just kidding yourself, lady. Nobody who grew up listening to 80’s music could possibly enjoy Yung Gravy. Not even Yung Gravy’s mother, Old Gravy.
When Should I See My Doctor?
In Middle Age, you may feel very sad or angry, sometimes without a reason. Changes in your hormones can make you feel this way. So can the gradual death of your hopes and dreams and skin elasticity. Talk to your doctor. Do not lash out at your loved ones, for the simple reason that they are the ones who will be selecting your long-term care facility.
What Should I Do If I Have Questions?
If you have any questions, do not be embarrassed. Middle-age is a confusing time for women. Share your concerns with a trusted friend or loved one and they will be more than happy to help. And if they say won’t, take comfort in giving them the appropriate response. Your changing middle-aged body still has two well-working middle fingers.
The hilarious Kara Kinney Cartwright and I wrote this one a few years back, and I just found it in my files and it made me laugh, so here it is again. Get Kara’s book Just Don’t Be An Asshole, which is perfect for parents that … don’t want to raise assholes. She’s a delight.
As for my own book, I’M WEARING TUNICS NOW, our official release date is 10/25! Pre-orders are available and highly recommended at your favorite place to buy books! I’ve also recently updated my website, wendiaarons.com, but it’s still a work in progress so go easy on me. I’m plucking my chin hair.
Thanks for reading!
—Wendi