I wasn’t planning to post anything today, but then I realized that I have a lot of “Halloween content.” Yes, satiric pieces, graphics, blog posts, photos — it’s now all called “content.” We’re about two years away from MOMA renaming itself MOMC. “Wow, look at that Monet content! So many colors. He was the first influencer, you know. Lots of merch.”
I just got back from the grocery store and was shocked by the price of candy this year. It’s skyrocketed. Which is why any and all trick or treaters at my house tonight will be receiving a can of expired Hormel chili while supplies last.
Finally, we’re not dressing up this year, mostly because nobody invited us anywhere and it’s kind of weird to try to win the office costume contest when you work at home by yourself. But here’s one of my favorites — let me know if you can tell who are.
Some of my McSweeney’s pieces from years gone by are included below, but here’s a brand new one I wrote with my funny friend Linda Wolff.
Are You in a Haunted House or an Empty Nest?
1. Everything is covered in cobwebs.
2. Someone is continually wailing, “My child! Where did my child go?” and it might be you.
3. A shadowy figure appears in the doorway, only to ask for money and then vanish.
4. You think you see an infant in the dusty cradle in the attic, until you remember there hasn’t been an infant in this house in 18 years.
5. The refrigerator that could never stay full is suddenly packed with food.
6. Every cup disappears, and is then found in an abandoned bedroom.
7. You find yourself rocking a baby, then realize it’s a swaddled poodle
8. The sound of Olivia Rodrigo music plays from somewhere upstairs, and you smell four-day old fajitas.
9. Your cell vibrates but when you answer, it’s only grunts or one-word messages
10. The shower runs day and night, but the bathroom still reeks of armpits.
11. You’re the only one in the house, yet your credit card is missing and the basement is filled with gas station snacks and weed stench.
12. Ghostly apparitions menacingly float past you. Wait, that’s actually a bag of laundry.
13. Late at night, you hear an elderly woman cry, “Why’d you let them go across the country? Why? They’ll never come backkkkk!” and it might be you.
Haunted House: 1-13
Empty Nest: 1-13
More Halloween humor:
If you don’t have a Halloween costume yet, look in your closet.
My personal Halloween house of horrors includes being trapped in a Holderness family video.
Also! We’ve been having a great time on our new It’s Pronounced Memwah podcast. Episode three just dropped, and it’s a good one. (“Dropped” is a professional podcaster term that means I was on the phone with tech support for an hour trying to figure out how to upload an audio file to the cloud people and lightly crying.)
Listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts!
Thanks for reading!
—Wendi