The Four Dog Defense
Not to be confused with the Three Dog Night
This newsletter is going to be a little scattered because it’s been a long summer. A long, HOT summer. Austin’s had a record-setting 45+ days of triple digit heat, with no end in sight. Our nighttime temps only dip down to the high 70’s, and that’s around 3 a.m. when the serial killers are out, so there’s not much of a respite ever. Maybe December will be nice? January? Another planet? I hear Mars has a nice tropical breeze.
I wrote about how well I’m coping for
:
Besides watching our landscaping die, the most excitement we’ve had around here happened in July when my husband looked out the window and saw one of the kid next door’s teenage friends peeing on our house. He immediately went outside and told the public urinator to stop it, which propelled our neighbor to come barreling up to grandly mount The Four Dog Defense.
If you’re not familiar with this method of trying to bullshit your way out of trouble, here’s how it went down after my husband told him the kid peed on our house.
#1 Dog Defense: My Dog Doesn’t Bite
“He didn’t pee on your house. He’s dehydrated.”
#2 Dog Defense: My Dog Bites, But It Didn’t Bite You
“Everyone pees outside! I pee in my yard all of the time.”
(Editorial note: Trust me, we know.)
#3 Dog Defense: My Dog Bit You, But It Didn’t Hurt You
“It’s not like pee damages limestone or brick, okay? You don’t see buildings crashing because of a little urine. Stop being such a baby.”
#4 Dog Defense: My Dog Bit You, and Hurt You, But It Wasn’t My Fault
“So what if he peed on your house. It’s not my responsibility to monitor what goes on in my driveway. By the way, your yard looks terrible and I’m reporting it to the HOA.”
Oh my god, how do I make two of him?
It’s kind of remarkable how often I recognize this defense being used now that I know about it. It’s pretty much in every politician’s handbook. Anyway, the kid didn’t apologize and neither did our neighbor, but we recently discovered that we can play our music on his outdoor speakers, so that’s a nice ace to have up our sleeves. Who doesn’t like a little Marilyn Manson screaming about Satan on Sunday morning? Maybe some funeral dirges during their back to school pool party?
Other than petty revenge, I haven’t been doing much else. I’m working on the sequel to GINGER MANCINO, KID COMEDIAN, and hoping to do exciting things with the first book and also with Tunics after the WGA strike ends. Was that vague enough for you? But thank you to all of the people on the picket lines fighting for a fair deal for writers! Seriously, what would we do without writers? Rely on ChatGPT or AI?
To find out, I actually typed “Wendi Aarons bio” in the ChatGPT prompt and learned some interesting things about myself:
In addition to her writing, Wendi Aarons has been involved in television and theater. She co-wrote the pilot episode for the TV show "Paul Reiser's There's... Johnny!" which aired on Hulu.
Considering that I’ve never even heard of that show, it’s pretty cool that I co-wrote it. I’m just that good. But I do wonder if it’s about Johnny Carson or The Shining. Maybe both? Does Ed McMahon get chopped up by an axe while Doc Severinsen chants Redrum? If so, I want in.
Other things:
I actually did co-write something about summer juggernaut Barbie, with my friends Emily Flake and Johanna Gohmann, and it was in The New Yorker print edition (the Holy Grail for humor writers):
Johanna and I also co-wrote “Email Greetings for Modern Times” for McSweeneys.
If you’re interested in learning from the co-writer of “Paul Reiser's There's... Johnny!", I’m teaching this class in the fall:
Send cooling thoughts my way, and thanks for reading!
—Wendi
Oh, I'm so glad someone else loves Deadloch! I loved these characters and this odd, singular place, but also the choir was so badass! We need more of this in television.