Reasons My iPhone Isn’t Recognizing My Face

(It’s Definitely Not Because I’m 50)

Happy weekend! Here’s a little piece I co-wrote with my funny friend Dina Gachman. She’s the author of the wonderful book SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS: How I Learned to Live with Grief and Other Grave Concerns. You should buy it.

We were inspired to write this because lately, our iPhones are acting like they don’t recognize us. We’re trying to not take it personally.

Reasons My iPhone Isn’t Recognizing My Face

1. My $185 1.4 ounce hyaluronic miracle depuffing peptide eye serum is working a little too well.

2. iPhones don’t appreciate mature women, like most of society.

3. My left eyelid is suddenly and mysteriously 50% droopier than the right one.

4. Wait, now my right one has caught up.

5. My new jowls make me look like I’m genetically linked to mastiffs.

6. Apple used a state of the art camera to analyze thousands of tiny invisible dots, thus creating a depth map of my face plus the tech utilizes an infrared image to make sure no contour is unmapped, but hey, it’s not a perfect science!

7. I set up facial recognition in my early 40’s when I still looked like I enjoyed life.

8. All of those Camel Lights I smoked in the 90s to look more mature finally worked.

9. My plummeting hormones have turned me into perimenopausal Burgess Meredith.

10. I no longer have a reflection due to the $299 Vampire Facial I had last week.

11. Much like my husband, my phone can’t get turned on when it sees me in my new bifocals.

12. I don’t even recognize my face, how is my phone supposed to?

13. The little padlock icon is obviously malfunctioning, like my cell turnover and elasticity.

14. I’m a middle-aged woman. I’m even invisible to technology.

Thanks for reading!

—Wendi