Please Respect My Emotional Support Animal
He doesn't bite.
A few years ago, I was asked to write a funny book about air travel for McSweeneys because Dave Eggers loved this piece I wrote about businessmen yelling in airports. Then the pandemic happened and suddenly flying was less annoying and more terrifying, so the book project was shelved. But sometimes I come across one of the pieces I wrote for the book in my files, and remember how fun it would have been.
Here’s one I wrote when more people were bringing animals on board planes. That lunacy seems to have calmed down a bit, however, last year a woman was accompanied by her golden retriever on my flight to London. I don’t know, and I don’t want to know, how he took potty breaks on a 10 hour flight.
Please Respect My Emotional Support Animal
First, let me say that there is absolutely nothing to be worried about. My animal companion is allowed on this plane, just like the terrier in 14B, the pug in 24E, the Doberman in 32F, and the hedgehog currently peeing on the beverage cart. Clearly, I’m not the only passenger on board who bought a shoddy online certificate from an Uzbekistan psychologist in order to bring their best friend along today! But why did God even create animals if it wasn’t to provide humans comfort when we’re seven miles above the earth watching an Adam Sandler in-flight movie, am I right?
Before I introduce you to Toby, please understand that he’s no different than any other pet. In fact, he’s actually a bit better in that he’s non-allergenic. You see, Toby is what’s known as a Burmese Python. They’re found in the jungles and grassy marshes of Southeast Asia, as well as in the retention pond behind the Orlando Ross Dress for Less where Toby grew up. At 20 feet long, he’s one of the largest snakes on earth, so I hope being crammed into his reinforced steel carrier for hours hasn’t made him too crabby or hungry today. Believe you me, he can be a bit of a diva!
What makes Toby the ideal emotional support animal is that he’s known as a “constrictor.” Whenever I’m feeling sad or anxious, he slinks on over in his rectilinear fashion, then slowly wraps his body around mine in a sweet, snakelike caress. Then he just squeezes and squeezes and squeezes until I almost can’t breathe! It’s probably what wearing a pair of Spanx feels like, I wouldn’t know. Every now and then Toby hugs me so hard that I turn purple and my heart rate slows to a near-death level, and my wife has to lightly tase him until he collapses, but that’s just because he’s so full of love.
Anyway, enough of me talking, who’s ready to meet my companion? I’m just going to unlock his cage and --- whoops! When did you get so fast, Toby? Get back here, you scamp and -- oh my god, 24E, I apologize about your pug. That was completely unexpec--watch out 25A! Dammit, too late. Toby! Stop unhinging your jaw! That is not polite! We barely know these people and shit, I am so sorry for your loss, 30B. In Toby’s defense, your husband kind of looked like a deer with his brown shirt and delicate fawnlike features, and everyone knows that pythons can’t resist venison, and Toby! Put down that family of four! They did not consent to be embraced! Remember, when we talked about consent? Now they’re all slimy for their Disney vacation and TOBY! SPIT OUT THAT PILOT RIGHT NOW. THANK YOU. AND HIS HAT, TOO. YES IT IS. I CAN SEE THE SHAPE OF IT IN YOUR CHEEK.
Listen, everyone, this will go a lot easier if we could all calm down and stop screaming for a minute. Toby is an Enneagram Type 2, The Helper, so he’s picking up on your bad vibes and it’s stressing him out. Wait, did someone just open the emergency exit door? That seems to be a huge overreaction because -- Toby! Don’t you dare slither down that slide! Get back here right this second! Oh my god, it’s like he never listens to me these days. TOBY! DO NOT EAT THAT BAGGAGE HANDLER OR YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE PRIVILEGES, MISTER.
Well, my apologies, folks, but it looks like I need to slide on out and catch him before he slithers into a storm drain and builds an impenetrable fortress in the city sewers. Thank you all for listening this morning. It’s important that people know emotional support animals come in all shapes, sizes and species, and they’re all allowed on commercial airplanes because the FAA really fucked up that policy. I hope you have a safe flight!
And if you see my mom waiting for me in the Toledo airport, please say hi and give her a good squeeze from me and Toby.
Thanks for reading!
—Wendi
One of your very best, Ms. Aarons!