MY FOUR POINT PLAN TO LOOK YOUNGER
I recently saw an image of myself when I had my iPhone camera turned the wrong way, and decided that going forward, it might be a good idea to not look like the Norwegian Cryptkeeper.
How, though? There are plenty of age-defying serums, lotions and creams that’ll do the trick, plus Botox, Juvaderm and other injectables to help you look like you’re “refreshed”, “well rested”, and “wandering Target in a state of calm bewilderment.”
But if, like me, you’re too noble for any of that (and by “noble,” I mean broke), here’s how to look younger on the cheap:
Step 1: Get a perm. The Donna Summer stack perm I had in 1979 left me with lasting psychological damage due to being the only blonde disco queen in rural North Dakota, but did anyone notice my crow’s feet? Or point at my forehead lines? No, they did not. Mostly because I was 12. But the perm is what experts call “a focus puller” because it draws attention away from everything else on your body. And everything else in a 10-mile radius. Bonus: A perm on grey hair will make you look like Albert Einstein!
Step 2: Wear a retainer. Nothing gives you a more youthful glow than a slimy piece of plastic and metal stuck in your mouth. Make your own retainer with an old fork and an empty margarine container if you don’t want give the orthodontist one more cent.
“Are you over 21?” the bouncers will ask when they see your drooling metal mouth and perm show up at the club. “Yeth, thir, I thertainly am!” you can say before they tell you they’re closed indefinitely for a private party.
Step 3: Put Shaun Cassidy on your chest. Well, not literally because I imagine Shaun’s not as slim as he was back in the 70’s, either. But your old 7th grade t-shirt is retro, youthifying, and soon to be a Facebook ad via your algorithm.
Step 4: Sport your first ever pair of glasses. Who needs Botox when you have your junior high glasses that look like you’re wearing two dinner plates from Sizzler? The Instagram Youngs have frames like this now, too, so you’ll look like you’re in style without even trying. Note: LensCrafters may not make bifocal lenses in this size.
Of course, you could also just say “fuck it”, I’m as old as I’m old, and I look like I look, and I don’t care about any of that shit because this world has way bigger fish to fry than my chin hair. That’s probably more healthy and well-adjusted approach to life.
I’m still deleting my camera app.
I just returned from the St. Nell’s Humor Writing Residency for Ladies in Pennsylvania, and it was wonderful. Learn more, apply, and support this great space for writers.
My humor writer cohorts and I did a reading at the historic and welcoming Otto bookstore when we were in town, and there’s nothing like making jokes about a sex cult while standing in the children’s section looking at stuffed animals.
I’m on a podcast that’s all about what shows I’m watching. I watch a lot of shows. He had to cut me off after an hour.
Halloween is over, but my friend Gloria Fallon and I have some really funny costume ideas for you on McSweeneys.
Next time: a list of great books, a list of not so great books, and maybe a list of books I reallllly hate. That got you excited, didn’t it?