Way back in the Dark Ages of Blogging (2016), I shared my ridiculous resolutions each January. I can’t find any of those posts because I wisely deleted most of my old blog. Mostly because IT WAS A LOT OF ALL CAPS LIKE THIS ABOUT WINE AND PTO MEETINGS and I like to think I’ve evolved a bit.
However, I did find this still-applicable tweet of mine from nine years ago:
I’m not kidding about that. I have a notebook filled with ideas for my neighbor. Number one: Stop using blonde genius’s trashcan without permission. Number two: Stop peeing outside. He’s a real delight.
But, good news! Googling led to me finding a few of my old resolutions from 2016 posted on someone else’s website:
This year I refuse to get into petty arguments with people and will instead follow the advice of Gandhi and settle everything on the dance floor.
This year I will stop calling my right thigh “Chicken” and my left thigh “Waffles.”
This year I will stop telling other mothers that we can’t have play dates at our house because I’m still under criminal investigation.
This year I won’t stand in my front yard and throw doughnuts at the runners passing by my house. At least not the jelly-filled kind.
This year I will stop asking the short, spray tanned lady in my neighborhood how things are going down at the chocolate factory. She never knows.
This year I vow that I will never get another Brazilian. Or any other spa treatment that involves me not wearing pants while someone holding hot wax instructs me to “grab your knees and get into the cannonball position.”
This year I’ll stop asking my OB/GYN if he drives a Vulva station wagon just to see him wince.
Oof. But on the plus side, I’m pretty sure I can keep all of these resolutions except for maybe that last one because that’s a super solid joke and not everyone can pull off gynecological humor.
Book Stuff! Thanks to everyone that’s been sending me comments and leaving good reviews about I’m Wearing Tunics Now! It’s been doing really well and I’m always excited to hear from readers. If you’d like a signed bookplate, let me know and I’ll stick it in the mail. I’d also love to see any photos of the book out in the wild, if you see it. It can be found in most bookstores under New Non-Fiction, Humor, or, according to a few reviews, “Books That Push the Liberal Agenda.”
How fun is this? If you’re in Austin, shake off the January doldrums with High Tea and Tunics at famous The Driskill hotel on 1/29! I'll be reading from my book and talking with my friend Kathy Blackwell of Texas Monthly. Hot tea, sparkling wine, finger sandwiches, probably little cakes, the whole high tea situation will be happening in one of their beautiful ballrooms. Wear a fascinator and talk in a British accent about your corgi, I don't care! (Appropriate for all ages, meaning I won't swear if I see kids there.)
Plus part of the proceeds will go to Dress for Success Austin. Tickets are here.
If you’re a podcast listener, I’ve been on a lot of them lately, talking humor, writing, midlife, the whole shebang. Here are a few:
Finally, on my next newsletter, I’ll get into the routine of sharing some of the books and series and movies I recommend, and I promise that not all of them will be about my favorite shows that feature grizzled American midlife women that go to an island and meet a local hottie who makes them buy fancy watches.
Wait, is that a resolution? Dammit.
My 2023 New Year Resolutions
You were pretty good on Spawned too... just sayin