I get about 50 PR emails a day. They’re mostly pitching things I don’t care about, and thanks to AI, most sound like they were written by robots. “Greetings, Wendi insert last name. I am reaching out to you via electronic mail. I hope you are insert positive feeling followed by appropriate punctuation beeple bopple boop.”
One of the most memorable pitches I’ve received was about a digestive product that can help prevent me from becoming “the next airplane pooper.” A real worry of mine. Obviously I’m not on the same PR email list as Vanity Fair beauty editors. I’m on the one they send to editors who write about bodily fluids and crime scene clean-up. Even the one beauty pitch I got was for “nightingale feces, an alternative to Botox.”
“Oh, my goodness, you look 10 years younger! What’s your secret?”
“Bird shit, my man. Grade A bird shit.”
My new beauty guru. I pay her in seeds.
But yesterday I got a pitch that actually intrigued me. It was sent in case I’m writing any Valentine’s Day stories (I am not), and offered an interview with married relationship experts. Now, I don’t know how long these relationship experts have been married, but Chris and I are headed toward Year 32, so we probably don’t need their advice unless it’s about where when and why the dishwasher needs to be loaded and how to better express there’s not a magic portal that cleans the dishes you just plop into the sink instead of into the dishwasher that’s literally three stupid inches away from the sink and oh my god how do you not know this???
The married relationship experts gave a few free ideas on how to “spice up date night” and most were along the lines of “Surprise her with a picnic!” Yes, please, let’s eat ham slices in the park at 8pm in mid-February. That’ll really get the romance juices flowing. Especially when we’re attacked by Feral Park Creatures. But hey, maybe while we’re running to our car, a bird will shit on my skin and give me a free facial.
Even worse than a terror picnic is their other suggestion to “recreate a famous movie scene” with your partner to get you both in the mood. Now, maybe this works if you’re a Rom-Com fan and you’ve always dreamed of slapping a wig on your honey and calling them Tom Hanks, but my movie tastes tend to run a little darker.
Meaning, my top choice of a movie scene to recreate would be this one:
“Sweetie, just sit there at the edge of the pool for a second while I submerge myself.”
“Why did you pain your face camo green?”
“Bear with me. It’s going to be sexy. Can you play The Doors on your iPhone, then get the smoke machine started? You are going to be SO TURNED ON. Okay, I’m ready. Now whisper ‘The horror … the horror …’ in my ear while I make helicopter noises. Oooooooo! Spicy!”
Taking that Vietnam In Film college class instead of the Paris In Film college class was maybe a mistake.
Based on what costumes and supplies we currently have on hand, the only other movies we could recreate for a sexy date night are Grey Gardens and possibly something from the Shrek franchise. There might be a child-size Darth Vader mask in the attic if I look hard enough, but then we’re approaching some Sci Fi convention territory that I’m ill prepared to enter without medication. Plus all of that heavy breathing is hard on the lungs at our age.
But now that I think more about it, I guess there is one movie scene we could totally nail. It’s not the sexiest or the most romantic scene, but it does involve matching wind suits and off-key singing yacht rock. And that definitely sounds like a perfect date night for Wendi insert last name.
OTHER THINGS!
I don’t have any links to share right now because I haven’t done much besides read Barbra Streisand’s memoir. And by “read”, I mean listen to her FORTY EIGHT HOURS of audiobook. I don’t mind her fast-talking Brooklyn voice at all, but when you bump it to 1.7x speed, “Evergreen” sounds more like an Alvin and a Chipmunks song than a beautiful ballad. Keep that in mind.
We’re editing our two-part discussion of Barbra’s book for my podcast It’s Pronounced Memwah right now, but you can catch up and listen to past episodes until then. Our latest is about Maria Bamford’s book “Sure, I’ll Join Your Cult.” It’s a lot of fun and we now know how to use our microphones better, so don’t miss out!
Finally, thank you to everyone that’s become a Paid Subscriber to my newsletter! I promise that I have some plans and schemes for the special features and humor lessons that I’ll be bringing your way soon.
Thanks for reading,
—Wendi
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You crack me up. Thank you.
OMG I adore your stuff always but this made me spit coffee on my shirt TWICE LMAO -- -- well thanks Wendi... I know you are in the north part of the county but you now need to meet me at the Jack Brown Cleaners on Oltorf to tend to this please. Or if you come to any of my shows or anything in 2024 just give me a heads up and I will come to the edge of the stage and throw said be-coffeed shirt at you kindly asking you to un-coffee it for me, Kthnxby