Fly the Unfriendly Skies

With these seat-mate conversation starters

A few years ago, I was asked by McSweeney’s to write an airport activity book because Dave Eggers was a fan of my I’m Going to Close This Deal Using Business Words I've Heard Men Yell in Airports. Then the pandemic happened and flying became less "slightly annoying” and more “totally terrifying,” so the book didn’t happen. But Hudson News’s loss is your gain because today I’m sharing one of the pieces I wrote for the book. It was intended to be printed on tear out cards to keep in your pocket and pull out whenever you wanted to chat up your seat-mate, but feel free to just memorize them in preparation for your next flight. Bon voyage!

SEAT-MATE CONVERSATION STARTERS

There’s no better time or place to meet a lifelong friend, or future romantic partner, than when you’re sitting one-inch apart smelling each other’s breath and gaseous emissions on a flight. But how can you get the ball rolling on your new relationship? What’s the best way to connect with your seat-mate on your high-altitude blind date? It’s not as simple as rifling through their carry-on when they get up to use the lavatory anymore. Thanks a lot, Air Marshalls.

Of course good manners dictate that you should never bring up politics, religion or sex with a stranger. Not even when you’re crammed into a seat next to a farting weirdo who says, “Hi, I’m Larry. I’m voting for the white Christian Nationalist with all of the assault charges. What’s your name? Where do you live? Why are you pushing the flight attendant call button?”

It’s also a bad idea to begin a conversation by telling your seat-mate about your new rash medication, court ordered therapy, or multi-level marketing scam. So what’s left? What can you talk about at 10,000 feet so you seem charming and engaging, rather than strange and suspicious and a reason for the plane to make an emergency landing in Des Moines? What will make you the social star of the 747?

Here are some perfect conversational ice breakers:

1. First time flying to (insert name of wrong city)?

2. How many germs do you think are living on your tray table?

3. Follow up question: How many do you think are now in your mouth?

4. Do you want to pet my emotional support ferret? No, that’s not a euphemism.

5. Which flight attendant is your favorite and why?

6. Mind putting this package in your suitcase and keeping your big mouth shut?

7. Here’s some spoken word poetry about how I became a member of the Mile High Club. 

8. What’s the first street you lived on? No reason.

9. What’s your mother’s maiden name? No reason.

10. Fun fact: I’m deathly allergic to luggage.

11. The best part about sitting in the exit row is that I can open this door anytime I want to, like NOW.

12. I wasn’t looking at your laptop screen but I think the proposal you’re writing is really good.

13. Let’s speak in Pig Latin. Uh-oh, this urbulencetay is going to make me ukepay on your oesshay!

14. Do you have any tattoos? You’ll see mine when I bend over.

15. I hid something of yours when you were sleeping. Hint: It’s your passport.

16. I don’t mean to pry, but did you win your outfit at a carnival?

17. What three words best describe you? Mine are: Contagious, Agoraphobic, and Volatile.

18. If I fall asleep, I want you to know I’ll be dreaming about you.

19. What’s your favorite animal and why isn’t it ferrets?

20. Do you happen to know the weight limit on the diaper changing table in the lavatory?

21. What’s your biggest pet peeve? Mine is being touched by someone’s elbow.

22. Confession: I got a little turned on by the TSA pat-down.

23. What’s the name of your first pet? No reason.

24. I usually fly private, so please don’t talk to me.

25. Man, I’m so woozy from doing tequila shots with our pilot this morning!

26. If I could sleep with any famous person, I’d pick Matt Damon.

27. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Matt Damon?

28. If you were an emotional support ferret on an airplane, where would you hide?

29. Two things to know about me: 1) I’m going to watch Showgirls on this flight and 2) I forgot my headphones.

30. Bye! Enjoy your stay in (insert name of wrong city)!

31. Why are you pushing the flight attendant call button again?

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OTHER THINGS:

Over on the It’s Pronounced Memwah podcast, we’re talking all things Barbra Streisand. Be sure to listen because we definitely put in the Babs hours, man.

We also just recorded our episode about Motley Crue’s memoir THE DIRT and now we’re all forever changed and not in a good way, so stay tuned for that one. #broadspectrumantibiotics

I’m teaching a humor writing class in April for St. Nell’s. Details soon.

I really, really hated this show. If I want to spend an hour with unlikable people, next time I’ll just go to the grocery store.

But I really like this one.

If you’re coming to Austin for SXSW, let me know! Unless you’re here to talk with Joe Rogan.

Thanks for reading!

—Wendi