A couple of years ago, I wrote a book about airplane humor that was to be published by a popular organization known for their online satire. I had the whole thing finished. I found every single airplane joke there was. But then the pandemic happened and flying became more terrifying than funny. How do you make light of people socking flight attendants because they don’t want to wear a mask? You don’t.
But the book world loss is your gain because today I’m sharing one of the long lost pieces. I’m not saying you should actually do this, but give me a call if you do.
MAKE YOUR OWN BOARDING PASS
In order to get on an airplane, you need a boarding pass! If you forgot to print yours, and you don’t have it on your phone, and you’re not very bright, that’s okay! Just fill out this DIY boarding pass and you’re good to go! The TSA will happily accept it.*
Name:
_________________________________
Airline Name:
_________________________________
Your Airport Stripper Name (first pet + brand of luggage):
_________________________________
Your Airline’s Stripper Name (bad smelling body part + Air):
_________________________________
Flying from city and state (be as specific as possible):
_________________________________
Flying to city and state (be as specific as possible):
_________________________________
Purpose of travel (circle one):
Business Personal Revenge
Flight number + Your Age + Your Weight + # of Star Wars movies that didn’t suck:
_________________________________
Time of flight:
Morning Afternoon Whenever the plane leaves
Which Sex and the City character are you?
_________________________________
You’re so totally not a Samantha. Try again.
_________________________________
Seat Preference:
Aisle Window The Iron Throne
Do You Plan to Eat Your Own Food on This Plane? Y/N
If Y, your flight today has been canceled.
Do You Plan to Take Off Your Shoes on This Plane? Y/N
If Y, your flights for the rest of your future have been canceled.
Do You Plan to Clip Your Toenails on This Plane? Y/N
If Y, what the f-ck is wrong with you, serious question.
That’s it! Just hand this form to a gate agent and you’ll get the airport’s attention immediately. Happy travels (first pet + name of luggage)! Enjoy your flight on (bad smelling body part + Air)!
*The TSA will not happily accept it
If you’re in Los Angeles, please come see me this weekend at Zibby’s Bookshop!
If you’re interested in humor writing, I’m teaching an online class for the Writers League of Texas in May.
I’ve been on so many great podcasts lately and need to do a proper round-up, but my friend Pat’s was a really great conversation. I highly recommend taking a listen to his interviews on Creativity in Captivity.
Thanks to everyone for reading and sharing my books! If you haven’t left a review on Amazon or Good Reads yet, please do so. I have some (very amazing) news about the books to share soon!
—Wendi
Oh please please please could they add the bare foot question to the TSA interrogation before you go through security? That would be masterful.
Seriously if I ever was to be a stripper I think Coco Tumi kinda rocks.