Flight Pains

Flying the Not Always Friendly Skies

“10 Ways to Travel Better!” “Experts Share Hidden Secrets of the Airport!” “What You Don’t Know About Luggage Could Kill You!” I see headlines like this every day, and every day I eagerly click to read more. Will this be the inside scoop that’ll change my life? The tips I desperately need to bring bliss to my next vacation? The helpful hint that’ll make my airplane seat feel less like a child’s desk loosely bolted to a 2x4?

Short answer: no. Long answer: hell no.

I’m not a travel expert. Or even a less personable Rick Steves. I’ve never even been to Cincinnati, much less stayed in a 500-year old luxury hotel on the Italian coast that some influencer just discovered. (Influencers are super skilled at finding things that aren’t hidden.) But even though I’m not a professional traveler or one of those road warriors making loud business calls about the ETA of the ROI at the EOB, I do fly fairly regularly and I’d love to know how to make the experience less painful.

Unfortunately, most of the tips I’ve seen lately are more basic than basic economy.

I did not make this photo and was not in North By Northwest.

For example, a recent article promised amazing ways to save money when flying. First on the list was, “Pack your own snacks because airport food is pricey!” Yeah, I already figured that one out when I forgot to bring an energy bar and had to choke down an $18 soggy sandwich at LAX last month. But maybe that tip is why the woman next to me on my last flight pulled a Tupperware container filled with 3.4 ounces of homemade chili out of her purse.

Of course this is the first thing I thought of.

Another suggested way to save money on flights I’ve read is to “not book at peak times like Christmas, school vacations, and major holidays.” Should tell my parents that we’ll be celebrating Easter Sunday on a Tuesday in October because I got a great deal on Southwest Air? Just put that witch hat on a bunny and we’ll make it work, mom!

Besides saving cash, experts also offer insider tips on how to save time at the airport. I was hopeful that they’d reveal where to find a magic portal that could shoot me straight from my bedroom to the backseat of a Lyft in my destination city. Or at least tell me how to avoid getting stuck behind the person unpacking his entire suitcase because he didn’t know he couldn’t fly with lithium batteries and professional grade fireworks. Nope. The big time-saving tip I read is to “whiz through airport security by signing up for TSA Precheck or Clear.” Is there anyone that doesn’t know this in 2025? If there’s a line of smug people moving faster than you, figure out how to get in it.

I guess the reason I’m so disappointed is that I already know things like “get to the airport two hours early” and “pack a sleep mask for overnight flights” because I’m in my mid-50’s and I’ve left my house before. The expert travel tips of my dreams would be life-changing info like “How to recline your seat and not be called an idiot” and “How to deal with the idiot reclining his seat.” I’d also love to learn the proper etiquette upon hearing your smelly seatmate make a “mile high club” joke when you get up to use the restroom. Even an article about “ways to become the air marshall’s favorite” would be welcome.

Is all of this unhelpful travel insight I’ve recently read for people that just came out of an underground bunker? I wonder. Or for those that haven’t flown since the days you could light up a pack of Pall Malls and say things like, “My, aren’t you a pretty stewardess, care to sit on my lap during landing, sweetheart?” If that’s the case, I’m glad those passengers are getting the information they need to fly the friendly skies. Well, more so the “watch your behavior or you’ll go viral and lose your job” skies because it’s pretty aggressive up there lately.

Actually, maybe how to behave better when you’re 35,000 feet in the air is the advice travel experts should be giving instead. And they can start with “don’t bring your own chili on board.”

Thanks for reading!

—Wendi

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OTHER THINGS:

I have a fun piece up at McSweeney's about giving your kids a Gilded Age summer.

I wrote about how to find the perfect cowboy hat for Texas Highways.

Are you listening to our celebrity memoir podcast? You should be!

If you’re interested in my humor class I’m gearing up to start this fall, shoot me an email at wendi@wendiaarons.com!