Fifty Truths About 50
And some big news!
But before we get to the 50 truths … let me just put this little baby down on the table.
I’m beyond excited to be an elderly overnight success! And I will be writing, writing, writing this book for the foreseeable future, so please excuse me from everything. And also please plan on pre-ordering at least 10 copies each, then celebrating with me and drinking a few Gin & Tunics when it comes out!
Back to newsletter business: in future newsletters, I’ll include a few book and TV recs, but since I haven’t been spending my normal 100 hours a week watching Netflix, I don’t have any this week. Instead, I’ll share with you something I found in my Drafts folder that I don’t remember writing. Thanks for reading!
FIFTY TRUTHS ABOUT 50
If you’re only 49, just read to number 49. If you’re 48, read up to 48. If you’re younger than that, how nice for you.
1. The ways you will hurt yourself now include sleeping, tying your shoe and breathing.
2. You will need to buy giant bottles of Motrin from Costco.
3. You will then hurt yourself lifting the giant bottles of Motrin from Costco.
4. All of your hair will start to turn grey. All of your hair. Yes. Even those.
5. It’s totally okay to color your hair. All of your hair. Wait. Not those.
6. The millennial esthetician that gives you a facial will use the word “crepey.” It is okay to not tip her.
7. It is also okay to eat a clove of garlic before your next appointment.
8. Every song you loved in high school is now on the Oldies Channel.
9. Every band you loved in high school is now on an Oldies tour.
10. Every actor you loved in high school is now in an Oldies erectile dysfunction commercial.
11. Every boy you loved in high school is now the demographic for an Oldies erectile dysfunction commercial.
12. When being judged by a younger woman at the gym, yank up your tank top and scream, “Here’s your future, bitch!”
13. You will need Costco Motrin after you do this.
14. If you wore something the first time it was trendy, you are not required to wear it the second time.
15. This goes double for acid wash denim.
16. Don’t be upset about wrinkles. They distract from your pimples.
17. Don’t be upset about pimples. They distract from your wrinkles.
18. If you don’t like a book, stop reading it.
19. If you don’t like a movie, stop watching it.
20. If you don’t like the government, get out and vote. Seriously. You should know that by now.
21. Never buy an anti-aging miracle from a woman in a lab coat unless she’s in an actual lab.
22. Any product with the word “miracle” in the name probably won’t perform any.
23. This includes Miracle Whip.
24. Every doctor now looks like Doogie Howser.
25. Every doctor who looks like Doogie Howser will have no idea what that means when you tell him he looks like Doogie Howser.
26. Neal Patrick Harris will soon be in an Oldies erectile dysfunction commercial.
27. If you don’t want to do something, say “No.”
28. If asked again, say, “Fuck no.”
29. If asked a third time, lift up your tank top and scream, “Here’s your future, bitch!”
30. If you can prove you actually went to the concert in 1987, you should get a discount on the $75 retro concert t-shirts they now sell in boutiques.
31. This includes stupid 1987 concerts like Quiet Riot and MC Hammer.
32. Quiet Riot and MC Hammer are both now on an Oldies tour.
33. When a medical person asks if there’s any chance you could be pregnant, it will come with a smirk.
34. The answer to this question is always, “Yes, because I just had tons of unprotected sex with Ryan Gosling, jerk.”
35. The font size on menus is now super small. It is okay to use the flashlight app to read it.
36. It is not okay to use a klieg light.
37. It takes 2+ minutes on an online form to scroll down to the year you were born.
38. Say you were born in 1990 to save time.
39. There’s nothing wrong with getting Botox.
40. If that upsets you, please get Botox so nobody can tell that what I just said upsets you.
41. You no longer have any chance of getting six-pack abs.
42. You definitely have a big chance of getting one-pack abs.
43. One-pack abs are called a “Meno-pot.” Congratulations!
44. When you roll your eyes at a younger person who thinks she’s old, a 70-year-old is rolling her eyes at you.
45. A 90-year-old is rolling her eyes at the 70-year-old.
46. Nobody is rolling her eyes at a 90-year-old who thinks she’s old because duh.
47. The friends you have now are the friends you want.
48. The life you have now is where all of this has been leading.
49. The love you have now is mostly for others, but don’t forget to give some to your own damn self.
50. I was serious about the Motrin.