By This Age You Should Know
How to politely get out of a social obligation.
At least one person who’s met Snoop Dogg.
A $10 bottle of wine requires a $10 bottle of Motrin.
“No, thanks” is a complete answer.
It’s okay to hate running. Some people aren’t meant to be on the move.
What it’s like to win money in Vegas.
What it’s like to lose money in Vegas five minutes later.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant.
Especially if it’s your neighbor who will then tell you how fat your dog is on a regular basis.
Babies cry on planes. Give the parents some grace.
If you’re asked to hold the baby, you will be expected to return the baby.
Your professional website profile photo shouldn’t be one like this. (But I’m still keeping it there.)
It’s not important if you have a fancy car, but it’s also pretty nice to drive a brand-new Volvo with heated seats.
When you post something on social media with a grammer error, you will find out in approximately five seconds.
The women who were mean to you in high school will still be mean at the 10th, 15th and 25th reunion. By your 30th, you’re all too tired for grudges.
Everyone is dealing with their own shit, so try to have patience.
If patience is impossible, there’s always Yelp.
CATS is a really bad show.
You don’t have to “weigh in” on everything happening in the world.
But you also shouldn’t be scared to speak out and speak up.
Compliments are an easy kindness.
“You don’t look as wiped out as usual” isn’t a compliment.
The music you listened to as a teenager will always be the best music.
Nothing is better for your mood than a walk.
Especially if the trail ends at a taco joint.
No matter where you live, the library is always a safe haven.
It’s more enjoyable to watch a comedian on TV than go to their live show.
The book isn’t always better than the movie.
If someone likes something you think is lame, just be quiet and let them like it.
The best way to get through the perfume sample area in a department store is with your head inside your shirt, making gagging noises.
Tip your hairstylist 15% and your server 20%.
Unless they called you “young lady”, in which case 10% and a scowl are allowed.
Bikini waxing is ridiculous.
So is any other activity where you’re told to “grab your knees and get into the cannonball position.”
Anything that says “miracle” on it never actually performs one.
You don’t have to answer texts immediately unless they’re from your kids, parents, spouse or a friend saying “OMG I HAVE DIRTTTT.”
The easiest cocktail to make is a gin and tonic.
If you aren’t enjoying something — book, movie, marriage — you don’t have to finish it.
Memorize three phone numbers in case you’re ever arrested, in the hospital, or on a high pressure game show.
It’s okay to tell the massage therapist that you don’t want to talk.
Going to a midday movie by yourself is sublime.
If you look like hell in the grocery store, you will run into everyone you’ve ever met in your entire life or a TV crew.
Exploring another country is amazing, but so is visiting another city or state.
A Thankgiving dinner of pizza is perfectly acceptable.
No good deed goes unpunished.
But you should still do good deeds.
Anything you eat or drink on a roadtrip is calorie-free.
Red Vines are far superior to Twizzlers.
(I am prepared to fight you on that.)
Sometimes friendships end, and it hurts, but it’ll be okay.
Always pick “napkins” on the school party sign-up list.
Starting at age 40, schedule a mammogram every year.
Every year.
Nobody likes the suck up who yells WHOOOO! in exercise class.
Don’t ever refer to yourself as a “Princess” unless you’re actual royalty.
If you didn’t vote, you can’t bitch about the country.
Please vote so you can bitch about the country.
Seriously, VOTE.
Rug stores never actually go out of business.
The first 20 minutes of any Lifetime movie are the best.
Always go to the funeral.
Try to send a card.
If you don’t know the right words to say, “I’m here” works.
Tell your friends and family that you love them. Often.
I’m serious about that Red Vines thing.
What did I miss? Put it in the comments!
Other stuff that isn’t at all motivational:
My friend Johanna Gohmann and I wrote this McSweeney’s quiz to help you know if you’re the worst person at Thanksgiving.
My podcast with Ann Imig and Mariana Olenko, It’s Pronounced Memwah, has some great episodes ready for download. Look on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
I’m one of the authors featured in the Zibby Retreat in Austin this February — it’ll be a great time, so check it out.
Thanks for reading!
—Wendi
PS: I’m strongly considering making a paid humor lessons portion to this newsletter starting in January if there’s interest, so let me know if you’d like to see something like that.
Hi, Wendi: Thanks for your supreme funniness. Went to your panel at the TX Book Festival and received much-needed boost. So what do you mean, exactly by paid humor lessons. Writing? Just being more funny in general? I'm interested if it's the writing part.
As usual, your writing is where funny meets wise! (But I’m not eating Red Vines.)